It was spring break and a couple of my friends and I where avid to head over to my parents beach house. About 3 hours after we got there Gaby (one of my friends ) was sitting in the corner, I asked her what happened and she just mumbles, so I told her to give me a concise answer, then she responded with “there is somebody upstairs”. So everybody went upstairs to check the rooms, as the door slammed I knew that we were not alone in that room. The next morning we all woke up in excruciating pain not remembering anything.
Hmmm. I wonder what happened once everyone went upstairs.
You must watch your comma usage. You have a huge amount of run-on sentences and do not have a comma in the provided six-word phrase, “As the door slammed, I knew.”
Good use of the first person.
Your passage seemed intresting, however you should make sentences instead of adding too many commas.